my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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