wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
