i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
