Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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