This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You are a genius and a whore.
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