I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
