oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
