Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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