Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
