He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
