Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
