I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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