Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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