I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
