in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
