Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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