the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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