I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
