this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
