chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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