I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
They took my balls.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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