We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
