onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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