You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize