Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
