Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
