The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
