i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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