Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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