I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
