a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
