This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
