your parents love me but you hate me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
