My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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