I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
