Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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