Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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