i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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