If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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