I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
