the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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