I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
