You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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