New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
