The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I can tuck mytits in my pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
