Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
