I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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