Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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