I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
