guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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