soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
