woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
