I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize