two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
