Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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