While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
