I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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