I can text with my tongue
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
