when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
