True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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