Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
